


See Dick Come

by unsafe_business_practices



Category: The AM Archives (Podcast), The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Babysitting, Dick Jokes, Humor, Multi, Picture Books, this is pure crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:47:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23685634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsafe_business_practices/pseuds/unsafe_business_practices
Summary: Mark sits on the carpet between the babies, looking perfectly comfortable among the scattered toys, clothes, and child paraphernalia while the girls watch him turn pages in wonder. Ileana is trying to fit her fist in her mouth. Gemma has already succeeded. It would actually be quite a charming picture if the picture book in Mark’s hands didn’t feature a two page spread of penis illustrations.“This is Dick,” he says gently, in the most soothing storytelling tone. He points to the picture helpfully. “Dick has balls.”Fortunately, Mark has procured some picture books for when he and Oliver babysit Mags and Sam's twins. Unfortunately, they seem to feature genitalia. It's never too early for comprehensive sex education.
Relationships: Joan Bright/Jackson Crawford, Mark Bryant/Oliver Ritz, Samantha Barnes/Mags Densmore, mostly background relationships
Kudos: 17





	See Dick Come

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure crack. Enjoy storytime with Uncle Mark.

By the time Joan checks her phone, she has eleven unread messages.

It’s not that she didn’t hear it go off - no, she  _ certainly  _ heard the pings as they reverberated through the room, cutting through the soft moans and gasps and slide of skin like the blaring screech of an alarm waking you from a dream. It’s just that by the fourth alert, she had elected to ignore it in favor of getting thoroughly fucked into the mattress by her boyfriend. 

It turns out that Jackson’s stamina isn’t reserved just for running. 

That being said, by the time Joan checks her phone, she’s mostly forgotten why she bothered keeping the sound on at all for the evening. 

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ Dr. Bright, your brother is a menace to society and I do not know why we were entrusted with babies tonight. Sam said you were busy but I sincerely think you were lying.  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ Are you sure he should be allowed to watch children? He is giving the toddlers chocolate and it is past their bedtime according to the informational sheet we were left.  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ Mags and Sam left their numbers but made it quite clear that we were not to contact them tonight unless somebody is deathly ill or wounded. As their usual babysitter, I thought you might be of assistance.  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ For the record, Dr. Bright, I do not think you would be of assistance with the childcare because you are a woman.  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ I think you would be of assistance because you share genetics with Mark and surely have some sort of special insight to his brain.  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ He is using my ability to turn bathtime into a reproduction of the Frozen movie.  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

[picture of Mark standing, fully dressed, in the tub while two toddlers in very wet pajamas sit on the bath mat. There seems to be an attempt at beginning of an ice palace at the edges of the tub but it’s mostly puddles]

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ I don’t think this will end well. How do I convince him to stop?  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ Dr. Bright, the twins’ bedtime was TWO HOURS AGO according to our informational sheet. You know as well as I do that sleep is important for the development of a young brain - what do I do?? _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ Nevermind, he is doing storytime with the children. They will be asleep soon, I assume. _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ HE BROUGHT HIS OWN BOOKS JOAN HELP _

Jackson, skin damp from the shower, kneels behind her on the bed as she scrolls through the texts. “Babysitting not going so hot?” he asks casually as if he’s not sneaking his arms around her again, not tantalizing her with a kiss pressed to her shoulder. 

Joan shudders into the touch. “It doesn’t look like it,” she confirms and switches off the sound. She had promised she would be available in the case of a situation where they somehow managed to put the girls’ in the way of any sort of long-lasting psychological damage but that was mostly a joke. In any case, it looks like they’ve been acceptable babysitters - irresponsible and permissive, sure, but the kids are alive for bedtime, aren’t they? 

Jackson’s hands have crept to her hips and she’s about to set her phone back on the nightstand, facedown for the rest of the night, when texts number twelve and thirteen come in. 

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz**

_ THE BOOK HAS THE FUCK WORD IN IT  _

**Text message from: Oliver Ritz:**

_ WHAT IF THEIR FIRST WORDS ARE FUCK _

So it seems like round two will have to wait. 

* * *

Joan is not-so-secretly hoping that the situation has blown over by the time she digs Mags and Sam’s spare key out of the fake rock and lets herself in. Jackson had decided to wait in the car - the less atypicals around to give Mark another chaotic idea, the better - so she’s alone as she makes her way up the stairs to the twins’ nursery. 

Best case scenario, the girls have fallen asleep to whatever profane book Mark had decided to share and she can remind him that Sam will tell Oliver all about his embarrassing college hookups if her children’s first words are fuck. 

Worst case…

Well, when Joan finds Oliver pacing and hugging a copy of  _ Go The Fuck To Sleep  _ outside the bedroom, his eyes wide and panicked, she’s pretty sure she’s found whatever worst case scenario is. 

She sends a quick text to Jackson - this might be a while - then sighs. “What is he reading now?”

In horror, Oliver replies, “ _ The penis one.” _

Joan braves a peek inside the room. 

Mark sits on the carpet between the babies, looking perfectly comfortable among the scattered toys, clothes, and child paraphernalia while the girls watch him turn pages in wonder. Eliana is trying to fit her fist in her mouth. Gemma has already succeeded. It would actually be quite a charming picture if the picture book in Mark’s hands didn’t feature a two page spread of penis illustrations. 

“This is Dick,” he says gently, in the most soothing storytelling tone. He points to the picture helpfully. “Dick has balls.”

The girls’ attention is completely captured. 

Joan is almost ashamed to admit that she should have seen this coming. She vaguely recalls a phone call from Mark in college - his friends had done a gag gift exchange for the holidays and he had somehow ended up with a box full of picture books. Selections included  _ Go The Fuck To Sleep, The Adventures of Toni the Tampon,  _ and, of course,  _ See Dick Come.  _

Mark turns the page to reveal Dick the Dick putting on a condom raincoat as he ventures into a cave. Oliver chokes. 

“Dick wears a coat,” Mark reads. “The coat keeps Dick safe.” 

Another page flip. “Dick is soft, but love makes Dick hard.”

“Aren’t you going to  _ do  _ something?” Oliver hisses under his breath. 

“Yes!” Joan hisses back. “As soon as I figure out what the hell to  _ do _ .” To be honest, she’s sort of curious how far this book will go. 

“Now - ok, girls, this bit is important, ok?” Mark pauses to make sure they’re both looking at him before he turns the page. On this page, Dick - who is human-sized and still wearing his raincoat, Joan notes - is standing nervously in front of an _ actual  _ human. “All right. So. See Dick ask? Dick waits for yes. You understand that, girls? Dick should always wait for yes.” He pauses and thinks. “Clit also has to wait for yes, but we haven’t met her yet. She’s in the sequel.” 

It feels like a good time to interrupt, so Joan does, clearing her throat from the doorway. The twins twist to look at her and Mark pauses mid-turning the page to send her a beaming smile. 

“Joanie! What are you doing here?”

Behind her, Oliver whispers, “Oh thank God.”

“Oliver called,” she says, deciding to leave out the slew of panicked texts for now. “I’m a little… concerned about what you’re reading to the girls, Mark.”

Mark, to his credit, does not fluster. “It’s educational.” 

“Perhaps,” she says, and it’s really a shame that she’s about to give Oliver a heart attack because he is a good man, if not always  _ nice _ . “But this book seems a bit cisnormative.”

Oliver is spluttering. “ _ That  _ is what you’re worried about? Not fact that it’s - it’s a  _ children’s book with testicles on the cover _ ?”

Joan ignores him and continues. “I mean, yes, they’re young, but that’s all the more reason, really.”

Oliver says the fuck word. “Dr. Bright, I thought you were on my  _ side!”  _

Joan shrugs. “It’s important to expose children to comprehensive sex ed.” 

Mark waves off her concern and tickles Eliana so she giggles. “Aunt Joanie is silly, isn’t she?” he asks her before turning to Gemma with a grin. “If she was here a  _ little _ earlier, she would know that Dick has lots of penis friends with all different pronouns.” He spares a glance at Joan. “ _ See Dick Come  _ has extensive worldbuilding and is really a pretty inclusive text. Now, can I continue?” 

“No!” Oliver shouts. 

Joan inclines her head, somewhat appeased. “Go on.” 

“ _ Thank you _ .” Mark turns his attention back to the book where Dick and the human are laying in a bed together. “Dick feels good. See Dick come.” The next page features Dick and his paramour slow dancing in the rain together, both soaking wet. “Good thing Dick wore his coat! The end.”

Joan claps appreciatively. The twins take the cue and clap along just as the front door creaks open. 

“Oh my God. They’re home,” Oliver says shakily. “They are going to kill us.” 

* * *

Joan slides back into the passengers’ seat fifteen minutes later with a box of inappropriate children’s books, a box of leftover dessert from the restaurant, and plans with Sam and Mags for lunch tomorrow to laugh at the whole event. 

Jackson raises an eyebrow as he puts the car into gear. “All good?” 

Joan checks her watch. It’s not too late for a round two if they make it quick - and Jackson is pretty good at that. She grins. “All good.” 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Go The Fuck to Sleep is real and wonderful. Look up readings on YouTube if you haven't already.  
> 2\. Toni the Tampon is real as well. She has a coloring book!  
> 3\. See Dick Come, unfortunately, is not real. But if someone would like to create it, I'd buy 10.


End file.
